The self-introspection post

I was re-reading the Lester Levenson story again

and I realized that he reached peace and enlightment through a method of self-introspection. Buddha did something similar which probably lead to his x leads to y leads to z leads to etc… philosophy about suffering. I decided to give it a whirl to attack various issues in my life. This post will be an example of my results.

The core question I wanted to ask myself is why do I feel like crying inside when people do loving things for me. I went over this issue I’ve had in an earlier blogs post at

Anyways – here’s what I drummed up with…

Q: Why do I cry sometimes when people offer to do something spontaneously loving for me?
A: Because I don’t think I’m worth the trouble
Q: What is worth?
A: Worth is a measure of value – a way to distinguish better from worse – a way to distinguish rare from common – a way to distinguish – a judgement – an act of differentiating
Q: Why do we judge – why do we distinguish – why do we differentiate?
A: Because we believe there’s one optimal way to do things – what we “should” be doing – I “should” be this person rather than who I am now (i.e. I should be happier, richer, more fearless, more loving, in short better…)
Q: What does it mean to be better?
A: An improvement – a move up on a scale – something that will make me happier than I am now – a better action will make me happier
Q: Why do I want happiness?
A: It feels good – bliss – satisfaction – the reward – the goal of a job well done
Q: Do you always have to feel good? Is this the ultimate goal and meaning of life – happiness?
A: No – everything gets tiring after a while – eventually I can see being tired of being happy. Everything is relative – people are the ones who assign value to things. Being happy is only fun as long as you deem that it makes you happy.
Examples: Gourmet wine may taste bad to me. Cheap food at times tastes really good to me. The value is not inherent. The value is a assigned by me.
Example: Philosophical – that movie where they grab a silver orb and it generates pleasure – it is like a drug – eventually though that would be boring – always being happy. By being bored I am no longer happy. Therefore the
machine that can generate happiness cannot make me forever happy.
Q: If value is assigned by me – doesn’t that mean my judgement of being less worthy than others is a demon of my own making?
A: Yes.
Conclusion: Given that I will value myself highly from now on. For I am the only true determinant of my self worth.
Q: That’s still not very satisfying though – why can I want to feel like a worthy person consciously while at the same time still feeling unworthy despite my efforts?
A: Maybe you truly do not want to feel worthy…
Q: Why would someone want to do that? (not feel worthy)
A: Maybe they were bored – maybe they wanted variety – maybe they wanted to experience both sides of the coin. The experience is a very important aspect.
Q: I have lucid dreams sometimes and many times I do not have total control – is this the same principle in play? I want to fly but sometimes I cannot.
A: Maybe the experience you REALLY wanted was “how does it feel like to want something but not be able to get it?”
Q: Why would someone want to experience that?
A: Just for the sake of experiencing it. You can never understand something until you’ve experienced it.
Q: Why do we have the urge to experience and understand things?
A: Because experiences and knowing are what life is made of. Without experiencing anything we’d be in a permanent coma – we’d be dead – dead as in DEAD.
Q: Is this why we fear death? Because we fear that at death we can no longer experience things
A: Probably so
Q: This still isn’t very satisfying and I”m losing focus from my original question – why am I confused?
A: Because you have too many thoughts in your head at once
Q: Alright – I will clear my thoughts – I will scroll up and try again from a clearer point of reference.
Q: <to be continued…>

Anyway it looks like I’ve got miles of road to go before reaching eternal bliss. If anything though I’ve made a few snail thrusts towards heaven – the state of mind – mind being the artist of reality.

Update 2/20/08

Have you ever gotten that urge to do something random – an inner longing without any logical basis? I get those all the time. In fact they might be what I’ve been trying to find – the inner voice – the seat of wisdom/intuition. The “gut feeling”. The premonition. etc…

Well anyway I got an urge to look this question up on Google while having lunch today – odd yes but very insightful:

Here is the response from:

The Answer:

Surprise! Aside from people who just happen to have something in their eye at the moment, we cry at such times precisely because we are NOT happy.

Stories with happy endings remind us of all the happy endings we have not had in our own lives. We compare fiction to real life and conclude that real life is the pits.

Psychologists tell us that tears flowing when a real life crisis is successfully resolved stem from the repressed fear and anger that built up when the outcome was in doubt. Crying at a wedding or other happy time is unconscious dissatisfaction with how our own romances turned out.
See you just can’t win. It’s enough to make a person cry.


 So there you have it – it isn’t some sort of psychological condition (well it is depending on a psychologists viewpoint but they think EVERYTHING is a condition anyways…) Upon reading this something just made sense in my head. We all have to some degree repressed emotions and repressed dreams. When we experience something nice happen to us we cry because we remember all the events where we got screwed. Our evolutionary coping mechanisms automatically sweeps these things under the rug before they even affect our conscious thinking. Thus they do not harm us – but we never rid ourselves of the original problem. It only takes a trigger like a happy event to bring those feelings to surface.

I guess in conclusion then it is good to bring things up to the surface. Only by facing ourselves can we have any real hope of advancing.


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